One of those days.

It actually hurts my soul that I’m going to go out and not a single soul is going to acknowledge my existence. I absolutely want to die. I’m so sick of this shit. I don’t think Jesus loves me. I really don’t. If he did, this loneliness wouldn’t burn the way it does. It hurts too breathe. It’s inescapable.

The reason why I look at celebrities like Kim Kardashian etc is because they have never experienced the horribleness of being low value in the sexual market. They have always been wanted by somebody.

People like Sandra and Anabelle, have never experienced not being wanted by men. It does make me jealous and I don’t want to be jealous over people I consider close friends but this is why I try to avoid talking to them about these kind of things.

They don’t know how it feels to like a man but he likes your friend instead. They don’t know how it feels to be scared to want to introduce a man to your friends in case he ends up liking them instead of her.

This deep rejection I feel, I don’t want to feel it anymore. It hurts too much. Never taken seriously. I’m too dark. I’m ugly. Hyper-pigmentation. They don’t know how it feels to not be wanted by your own.

I didn’t ask to be born. I didn’t ask to be dark. I didn’t ask to look the way do.

I sometimes think if I got pregnant, the father of the child would literally have me go through the abortion process alone. Because I’m not worth the hassle.

The only solution is for me to die. I don’t have anything else to give to this world. I’m too dark for everything. No man wants me as their wife.

This loneliness has conquered me and I am more than ready to submit and bow out. This life is not for me. I have so much anxiety writing this article because I’m not being taken seriously.

I’m also not getting the best marks in my university degree. It seems all I can ever achieve is being a catering assistant or bar staff, like I’m not good for anything other than the bare minimum and the world does a good job of reminding me that every fucking day.

I think if I get looked at when I go out, it’ll be like, who’s this disgusting girl. I am very, very disgusting. Jesus please kill me. I can’t do this anymore. My life has no meaning or purpose or quality. I am just an ugly piece of shit.

No one wants me and the rejection is too much for me to handle. I fucking hate it here. I’m certainly going to be taking more pills tonight. Fuck this shit.

Need to be Touched

I am in desperate need to be touched. I know I am sounding very pathetic but it’s my honest truth. I am also on my period so my need is even more so magnified by that. I am finding it very difficult to write the article when I’m in need of male attention. To 99.999% percent of people my feelings don’t make sense; that I’m craving physical intimacy do badly that I’m unable to undertake my responsibilities.

I’m finding it very hard to cry too. I really want to cry, it would help offload the deep tension set in my body. I really, really, really just want to be made love to by a man who loves my soul and wants to be with me forever. This is one of the main reasons why I deeply resent everything to do with this pandemic.

I am intensely, and I fear, incurably lonely. I really don’t relate to anyone fully around me.

I want to be loved. This whole thing is making me feel severely dirty as a human being. I feel like I can’t function at anything. Plus, I’m constantly struggling financially.

Tired of life and I want to die. This shit means nothing.

Just cos

I’m such a pretentious piece of shit because I want somebody to notice me and say that, oh yes that girl is of value. I really just want to commit suicide. I’m sick and tired of being rejected. My dad told me the story about the worst decision he made in his life and it was honestly heart wrenching to hear. It further explains the four decade old depression that has been holding my father hostage. Knowing that his life would have been drastically different, better, and I probably would not have been born. And at the core of it, what makes it so sad is that had he had proper guidance to advise him on what he should do I am sure he would have made better decisions.

This is why I’m so passionate talking about emotional infrastructures and support systems. This is why I get so pissed off when people say they are self-made. The arrogance boils my blood. Because it is simply not true. No motherfucker can do anything great by their own damn self. And this is why Mortimer pisses me off consistently when he tells me I should not desire the validation of others. I understand his point and I agree to a certain point but not totally.

I have never been someone that has been afraid to make decisions that are contrary to popular opinion. But at some point, especially if I want to be commercially successful, I do need to find others that actually are in support of my thoughts, art etc. It is just how it is as human beings. We want to believe that we exist in a vacuum but that could not be further away from the truth.

I would say the lack of emotional infrastructures is the reason why as fantastically brilliant Nikolas Tesla was he died dirt poor. And this scares me. Because naturally I am a loner. The only times I have felt properly seen is when I have been in relationships. Nevermind that those relationships were fleeting but nevertheless for those few months they made me feel like I belonged somewhere and I felt validated but than I had ever been in my entire life.

I feel very frustrated right now. Incredibly misunderstood. It’s like why am I not wanted? What do I need to do to be part of the in crew?

#337

I’m so fucking depressed. Deeply lonely. I feel like I am wasting my time with this writing task. I’m so pissed off with myself for applying for this job when im still in the middle of completing my degree. Im in desperate need to commit suicide. My soul, heart everything feels crushed. I’m so embarrassed at myself. I literally have no one to rely on emotionally. I feel so pathetic. I feel so used. So unwanted. All the men that I’ve ever been involved with would probably not even spit on me if my ass was on fire.  My heart hurts so much. I have no one. In my time of need there is no one to reach out to. I feel disgusted with myself and I feel disgusted with the men I have allowed in to my temple now this so called temple seems like a trash site. My heart aches so bad. I want to cmmit suicide so bad. I wish I had the ten thousand euros for euthanasia. I hate being here. I honestly think his world would be so happy if dark skinned African women were completely exterminated. I feel so broken. All the signposts point in the direction of me not being wanted here. Worthless, ugly, ugly, piece of shit. I really need to understand what I mean by friends because why is it I don’t feel like talking to my friends who I regard as family when I’m feeling this way? All I think about all day long is being dead. Sweet death. I’m not built for this ghetto life. Maybe I’m victimising myself. Oh well. I’ve take a few dolls. I want to take more. I want to take more until my heart realises I want it to stop working. I want to die. Can’t stop thinking about it. Hopefully I make my way to heaven whilst sleeping, very soon. I haven’t been able to stop crying all day. I feel so miserable. Ache ache ache. Jesus take me away.

African waist.

I’m horny and I’m finding it so hard to concentrate on this stupid assignment. I’m feeling scatter brained. I’m starting to realise also that reading the hate that people have towards Africans is crushing any iota of self-esteem in my soul. I am still of the opinion that it is important for one to know and be clued up to what one’s enemy is thinking but it leaves a very distasteful poison in my heart. There’s people who think Africans have evolved from chimps. There’s people who think Africans are savages. There’s people who think that Africans are innate criminals with no ability to govern themselves. There’s people who also believe that Africans are slaves. There’s people who can’t see anything remotely attractive aesthetically with Africans. There’s people who believe that Africans are significantly less intelligent than Anglo-Saxons and other European ethnicities. To be reading this sort of thing day in day out hurts. And it’s like why am I subjecting myself to this bullshit? Do I believe it? At this point, it’s more like, I don’t want to believe it. It’s hard for someone to not get sucked into the discriminative vitriol that is spewed out the mouths of people. It makes me feel like I have no ally. I’m a woman and I feel vulnerable. The men of my ethnicity don’t do the greatest job of defending their women. We’ve turned against ourselves and we look outwards. It’s truly embarrassing. I feel like they’re all laughing at us, at me. But me the proverbial mixraced child never knows where she fits in because somehow I’m not able to squeeze myself in any box I believe may fit me. It’s isolating. I’ve never experienced being the dominant group. It’s always minority. It hurts my heart that there’s this much hate hence why I do not plan on living for too long. A few more years, at the very least, and that’s it.

Africans are so beautiful. We’re rich in every way possible. The Western world is rich on paper. Africans are rich in soul and soil. Which one weighs more? Governance, governance, governance, that’s what’s killing us. I know most likely it will not be in my lifetime that Africa that people want to see will come into fruition but plant the seeds we must, I must.

I just want Africans to stop being beggars. That’s really it. Break ourselves from the yoke of colonial Stockholm-syndrome.

It hurts my heart. Never feeling good enough.

The thing is that I am also European and Europe is beautiful too. Very beautiful. But it’s a war. Europe believes their the best, Africa doesn’t make it hard for them to have this confidence in self.

I want Africa to stop raping itself. That’s really it. And it truly hurts my fucking heart.

It’s times like this I think, does Jesus actually place Africans at the bottom of the pile, is that like our destiny? Does Jesus love me?

At this point, I don’t know.

There might be a war. I don’t know. Everything hurts. It’s hard.

I realise most of the shit I have just written is most likely utter bullshit but my heart hurts too much to write with clarity so whatever.

Too Much Pain.

I feel deep aching loneliness in my chest. Also bitterness and jealousy. I’m jealous of all my friends. I feel so unworthy. I’m in desperate need to die. I embarrassed myself yesterday and I gave other people second hand embarrassment too. I resent people I call my friends because they never understand me. And they are pretty selfish. I’m completely insignificant in other people’s eyes. I don’t exist. Who am I? No one, that’s who. I want death to capture me and draw me into its warm embrace. My heart constantly hurts. I am so terribly abandoned. And the worst of it is I am unable to cry. Crying helps me release the poison in my veins but I find it hard to do so. The only thing I look forward to is dying. I hate this world. I hate myself 100x more. This feeling is unbearable. And I am struggling in my relationship with God. I am so abandoned and neglected. Please let this ache in my chest stop. I pray to be dead by this time next month. I simply can’t do this. It’s too much for me.

#159

I just don’t feel like doing anything. I have literally spent the whole day not minding my business. It’s just frustrating. I am not centred within myself. How can I say I want to work in investment but I barely spend time sourcing founders? It’s not that I don’t enjoy doing it, it’s just that I am literally at the beginning of my journey and I get so overwhelmed. Plus I get horny. Plus I get so lonely. I just want to get out of this house. I can’t even masturbate in peace. I don’t really like touching myself. I feel it’s a man’s job to pleasure me. I am not even inspired to write anything.

I keep thinking to myself – what value can I give? Because people will only pay attention to me if I give them value. I wish I was a more consistent person.

I want to die. Nothing about life incentivises me to keep living.

Day 184.

It’s been a full week since my 25th. Fantastic. Same old shit. Deep, burning loneliness that no one on Earth can solve. I hate it here so bad. This whole feeling of being unwanted and unworthy and unknown.

I realise the only way I can be valued is to create value consistently. Otherwise I am nothing. With every breath I take, I am filled with strong resentments towards people I like. Because I feel they cannot relate.

The dolls are the only things that help me. I am too sensitive. Too slow. I’m stressed the fuck out. This world is utterly selfish and I feel things too deeply. I don’t know how to control it or if I really want to control it. I live in fantasy land 24/7.

The selfishness, callousness, coldness are the things that disgusts me the most. Like I actually have no value. I don’t have anything worth selling.

It’s actually interesting/funny that no matter how wealth/ high up the socio-economic ladder a person is they will still submit to their basal desires of food, warmth and sex. You would think that they’d be too advanced for that or it’s below them.

Anyways I don’t want to be here and I want to die. And yeah.

02/06/2020

As of late, I have been finding it very hard to be productive because I have been craving physical intimacy. This whole situation is very frustrating for me. I am someone that enjoys to be touched physically and it helps me calm down. But even if a guy was willing to meet me, hotels are still not accommodating guests and I don’t want to invite strangers back to my place. I just feel so undesirable and unattractive. All the men that talk to me are only interested to have sex with me and that’s it. In as much as I enjoy having sex I crave intimacy in all aspects which I would only get from someone who is interested and wants to invest themselves in a relationship with me. Currently that number is at zero. I like M but I don’t like him. To be honest there never was any point me liking him because he was never going to see me as a wife. I just want to die. I always feel that being a dark skinned African woman I’m always valued as less than and that feeling hurts.

I just don’t understand how I’ve found myself in a situation where I like someone who really doesn’t give a fuck about me. It honestly physically hurts knowing I’m not attractive and should I introduce any guy I’m with to my friends, the guy would immediately prefer to be with my friend instead of me. Like literally with every guy I’m with, I know that is what they would have done. And it honestly hurts a lot. That I’m never good enough for anyone. And that I’m not attractive for any guy to stay around for too long. I really want to die by the end of this month and I just pray that this article is stellar. But I’ve been feeling very demotivated to write because I keep thinking about M and just wanting to be touched by him. And it’s really sad and pathetic because I know I am the last thing on his mind, if at all even present at all. He only ever wants to talk to me when he is horny. As soon as he came yesterday he stopped talking to me. Why am I so detestable? God, it’s too much for me to be feeling this way day in and day out. It’s torture. Every human being wants to be loved. Every human being wants stability too. And I have neither. How sad and embarrassing is that? And on Saturday I spent over five hours talking to a guy and by the end of it I found myself catching feelings for him but he was still hung up on his ex and I told him he needs to heal because he was still very bitter how things ended between him and his ex. I’m pretty sure he still loves her. I messaged him later on in the day and then he suddenly just stopped responding and he’s read the messages too. And I don’t understand why he changed his mind in talking to me. The point of the matter is that I am extremely lonely and I really want to die. I’m tired of not having any form of stability or consistency in my life. It’s like I’ll have sex once and then I won’t have it for another month, everything is just stunted. Hence the reason why I find it hard to just fully enjoy sex because even whilst I’m having it I’m thinking to myself I wonder when it’ll be the next time I get to experience this again. I’m not going to lie I do get jealous of people like Beyonce and Kim Kardashian who just seem to have the perfect life. Even Kylie Jenner. They have it all. And I do respect their work ethic etcetera. But it just makes me think how unfair life is. And people usually say oh just deal with it. But it’s becoming harder everyday for me to just deal with it. Like someone like Beyonce she is highly talented, very wealthy, has a husband who adores her and children, she has everything to a T. And also Kim as well.

And then I think of R as well like how she is able to sustain long relationships and she is confident within herself and men and women always want her. And I’m glad I see her as my sister and vice versa but I’m not going to lie it hurts a lot of the time when like many times been with her my ugliness has screamed louder in my face. Even with L, men always want her I’m just an ugly cunt who needs to be wiped off the face of the Earth. I think there’s some people that God loves more than others. Like they don’t have to put as much effort as me to be fabulous. I’m ugly. And that is a fact. And I need to die. I desperately just want to overdose, it’s too much for me always not being the one chosen or desired. I want to die Jesus. I pray I die in my sleep tonight.

29/02/20

I feel so lonely I can’t even cry about it. Like it’s hurting my soul too much. I’m begging you Jesus to please give me a heart attack whilst I sleep. I hate it here. This world is too ghetto and painful for me. I want to walk the streets of gold. Plus, nobody wants me here.

I wish I could have a husband so that I could sex him anytime I need to be transported out of this universe (which is almost always) but no man finds me someone worthwhile go stay around for.

i honestly don’t see the point of living a life where you’re not loved. I’m burning inside. Jesus take me away. I’ve taken the dolls today, more than usual. A little cocktail.

i wish I had the barbs to euthanise myself. No one cares about me and it’s not okay. My head hurts. I see and feel too much pain. I absorb everything. It’s too much for one person. I am only one person with a thousand suns burning inside me.

all I wanted to be is a poet and investor. I’m tired Jesus. Take me. Tonight.