I’m such a pretentious piece of shit because I want somebody to notice me and say that, oh yes that girl is of value. I really just want to commit suicide. I’m sick and tired of being rejected. My dad told me the story about the worst decision he made in his life and it was honestly heart wrenching to hear. It further explains the four decade old depression that has been holding my father hostage. Knowing that his life would have been drastically different, better, and I probably would not have been born. And at the core of it, what makes it so sad is that had he had proper guidance to advise him on what he should do I am sure he would have made better decisions.
This is why I’m so passionate talking about emotional infrastructures and support systems. This is why I get so pissed off when people say they are self-made. The arrogance boils my blood. Because it is simply not true. No motherfucker can do anything great by their own damn self. And this is why Mortimer pisses me off consistently when he tells me I should not desire the validation of others. I understand his point and I agree to a certain point but not totally.
I have never been someone that has been afraid to make decisions that are contrary to popular opinion. But at some point, especially if I want to be commercially successful, I do need to find others that actually are in support of my thoughts, art etc. It is just how it is as human beings. We want to believe that we exist in a vacuum but that could not be further away from the truth.
I would say the lack of emotional infrastructures is the reason why as fantastically brilliant Nikolas Tesla was he died dirt poor. And this scares me. Because naturally I am a loner. The only times I have felt properly seen is when I have been in relationships. Nevermind that those relationships were fleeting but nevertheless for those few months they made me feel like I belonged somewhere and I felt validated but than I had ever been in my entire life.
I feel very frustrated right now. Incredibly misunderstood. It’s like why am I not wanted? What do I need to do to be part of the in crew?
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