Day 180

Yesterday, I basically spent the whole day with Janam and I loved it. But today I texted him good morning, and he hasn’t replied me. I’m insecure about myself.

I don’t feel I should be in a relationship. I wish I was like Leah, fully secure about myself. I want to die. I want to commit suicide. I feel like I’m such a hard person to love because I’m so fucked up.

I’m stuck in a situation where I’m desperately needing money. I don’t know how to start my own business, what business to start, but mostly I’m just driven by fear. I hate myself so much.

And all day, I’ve been thinking that if Janam had the option of being with me or Leah, he would choose Leah. Anyone would choose Leah over me. And I miss my friend.

Why am I so ugly? Why am I so incompetent in everything I do? Why can’t I be profitable? Why can’t I run a successful business that generates income? Why did I sell my fucking shares?

The only thing I’m good at is letting men to fuck me and treat me like the cheap whore I am.

If Janam were to find someone like Leah, he would always never forget to text her everyday. He would bring her to his house even if his father protests, he would buy her the most expensive clothes and gifts, he would do everything nice for her.

Every man I’ve been with has treated me like dirt because I’m dark skinned.

Not a single person wants to accept my pitches. I’m just such an unloveable person.

I know I’m throwing a pity party but I just can’t help it.

I just want to die. I’m not good enough for anything or anyone.

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Day 178 – my semi-suicide noteĀ 

I want to die. I crave for death so desperately. I can’t write. I can’t think clearly. I don’t know who I am. All I know are my weaknesses, my bad deeds, I’m unworthy. I don’t enjoy being a human being. There’s not a single person in this world I can be fully relaxed around.

I just want to die. I live with no potential. I am lazy. I am disgusting inside out. I am weak. I should never have been conceived. I’m made up of empty promises. How can others want me when I don’t even want myself.

Please Jesus let me die VERY soon – in my sleep. Let me die. I hate myself so much.

I’m tired of pretending I know what I’m doing. I’m tired of being around people that don’t stimulate me. I’m tired of living in this body. I’m tired of being incompetent in anything I do. I’m tired of never feeling enough. I’m tired of forever looking and feeling ugly. I’m tired of being inconsistent. I’m tired of taking pills. I’m tired of feeling everyone is out to get me. I’m tired of being a human being. I’m too lazy to live.

Day 175

I am at a loss for words. My thoughts are too heavy for my mind to carry and so when they fall out my mouth they tend to be a verbal mess.
I want to do too much. I’m writing what I didn’t set out to write. What I set out to write was how I’m not fully convicted in anything I do.
It’s because I’m super hyper conscious about everything I do that makes me so indecisive because of my fear of making the wrong choice.