Day 179

I pray I die soon.


Day 178 – my semi-suicide noteĀ 

I want to die. I crave for death so desperately. I can’t write. I can’t think clearly. I don’t know who I am. All I know are my weaknesses, my bad deeds, I’m unworthy. I don’t enjoy being a human being. There’s not a single person in this world I can be fully relaxed around.

I just want to die. I live with no potential. I am lazy. I am disgusting inside out. I am weak. I should never have been conceived. I’m made up of empty promises. How can others want me when I don’t even want myself.

Please Jesus let me die VERY soon – in my sleep. Let me die. I hate myself so much.

I’m tired of pretending I know what I’m doing. I’m tired of being around people that don’t stimulate me. I’m tired of living in this body. I’m tired of being incompetent in anything I do. I’m tired of never feeling enough. I’m tired of forever looking and feeling ugly. I’m tired of being inconsistent. I’m tired of taking pills. I’m tired of feeling everyone is out to get me. I’m tired of being a human being. I’m too lazy to live.

Day 175

I am at a loss for words. My thoughts are too heavy for my mind to carry and so when they fall out my mouth they tend to be a verbal mess.
I want to do too much. I’m writing what I didn’t set out to write. What I set out to write was how I’m not fully convicted in anything I do.
It’s because I’m super hyper conscious about everything I do that makes me so indecisive because of my fear of making the wrong choice.