As of late, I have been finding it very hard to be productive because I have been craving physical intimacy. This whole situation is very frustrating for me. I am someone that enjoys to be touched physically and it helps me calm down. But even if a guy was willing to meet me, hotels are still not accommodating guests and I don’t want to invite strangers back to my place. I just feel so undesirable and unattractive. All the men that talk to me are only interested to have sex with me and that’s it. In as much as I enjoy having sex I crave intimacy in all aspects which I would only get from someone who is interested and wants to invest themselves in a relationship with me. Currently that number is at zero. I like M but I don’t like him. To be honest there never was any point me liking him because he was never going to see me as a wife. I just want to die. I always feel that being a dark skinned African woman I’m always valued as less than and that feeling hurts.
I just don’t understand how I’ve found myself in a situation where I like someone who really doesn’t give a fuck about me. It honestly physically hurts knowing I’m not attractive and should I introduce any guy I’m with to my friends, the guy would immediately prefer to be with my friend instead of me. Like literally with every guy I’m with, I know that is what they would have done. And it honestly hurts a lot. That I’m never good enough for anyone. And that I’m not attractive for any guy to stay around for too long. I really want to die by the end of this month and I just pray that this article is stellar. But I’ve been feeling very demotivated to write because I keep thinking about M and just wanting to be touched by him. And it’s really sad and pathetic because I know I am the last thing on his mind, if at all even present at all. He only ever wants to talk to me when he is horny. As soon as he came yesterday he stopped talking to me. Why am I so detestable? God, it’s too much for me to be feeling this way day in and day out. It’s torture. Every human being wants to be loved. Every human being wants stability too. And I have neither. How sad and embarrassing is that? And on Saturday I spent over five hours talking to a guy and by the end of it I found myself catching feelings for him but he was still hung up on his ex and I told him he needs to heal because he was still very bitter how things ended between him and his ex. I’m pretty sure he still loves her. I messaged him later on in the day and then he suddenly just stopped responding and he’s read the messages too. And I don’t understand why he changed his mind in talking to me. The point of the matter is that I am extremely lonely and I really want to die. I’m tired of not having any form of stability or consistency in my life. It’s like I’ll have sex once and then I won’t have it for another month, everything is just stunted. Hence the reason why I find it hard to just fully enjoy sex because even whilst I’m having it I’m thinking to myself I wonder when it’ll be the next time I get to experience this again. I’m not going to lie I do get jealous of people like Beyonce and Kim Kardashian who just seem to have the perfect life. Even Kylie Jenner. They have it all. And I do respect their work ethic etcetera. But it just makes me think how unfair life is. And people usually say oh just deal with it. But it’s becoming harder everyday for me to just deal with it. Like someone like Beyonce she is highly talented, very wealthy, has a husband who adores her and children, she has everything to a T. And also Kim as well.
And then I think of R as well like how she is able to sustain long relationships and she is confident within herself and men and women always want her. And I’m glad I see her as my sister and vice versa but I’m not going to lie it hurts a lot of the time when like many times been with her my ugliness has screamed louder in my face. Even with L, men always want her I’m just an ugly cunt who needs to be wiped off the face of the Earth. I think there’s some people that God loves more than others. Like they don’t have to put as much effort as me to be fabulous. I’m ugly. And that is a fact. And I need to die. I desperately just want to overdose, it’s too much for me always not being the one chosen or desired. I want to die Jesus. I pray I die in my sleep tonight.
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